Mass Effect, Part 1

Howdy partners,

I figured I would just keep a lil' diary to bring everyone up to speed on my progress through Mass Effect and the elaborate universe within.

Just a few short days ago, I surpassed where I had been previously in the game--just about to finish up the Citadel section. This was good, as I had seen this first bit played as both a Paragon (goody-two-shoes) and Renegade (giant evil ho), so I wanted to see what happened next. New space dramz!

And boy, oh boy, did I get space dramz! After basically re-creating the woman I had made on Brennon's Xbox (only hotter, and with red lipstick...and evil), I toyed with the idea of pursuing hottie Kaidan, but then decided that obvs lesbian sex would be superior, especially if that Fox newscast was right and I could decide exactly what each person did to the other! Hot sexy minigame! So I nipped Kaidan in the bud and told him to keep his personal feelings to his damn self cause I was having NONE OF IT! None, you hear me? And since my character is a full biotic and Liara (the lesbian alien wench!) is a full biotic, I decided I needed some combat strength to fight the hordes of aliens and eeeevil machines I was sure to face on my galactic travels. Thus, I brought along a little woman named Ashley.

Ashley was totally miscast in the voice acting. She should have been voiced by Wanda Sykes. And I'll tell you why, reader-folk. Because Ashley has a (totally incredible) habit of proclaiming, "Daaaamn!" just the way Wanda Sykes does. It's amazing. Plz go buy this game right now if you don't own it, so that you too can be amused by shouting, "Daaaamn! Commanda' Shepahd! That alien's face is whack!" And in most instances, it's true. That alien's face probably is pretty darn whack. Also, Ashley is a total butch and loves to chime in while my evil ho is talking by pointing her gun at people and saying, "You want a bullet through the head? Back down!" You tell 'em, Soulja Boy Wanda!

In other Mass Effect news, my lesbian relationship with Liara is progressing nicely. I'm afraid to snub her by being my typical evil self, so I play it totally nice only with her, and then on the side, manipulate people into killing one another. It's actually quite fun when you get the hang of it, though I had reservations at first, cause my ho is REALLY mean. She constantly tells people to shut the hell up and give her money and has (once or twice) brutally murdered someone who dared oppose her.

Liara though, is a lovely woman who stands really close to me and says how much it means to her that I saved her sorry ass on that crumbling ruin. Plz. When does mama get some lovin'?

I'm almost done with my second main mission since leaving the Citadel and you know what that means! Well, maybe you don't. But it means that I get to have another conversation to bring me one step closer to finding the lesbian within, and that's never a bad thing. I want my character to be able to appreciate the wonders of the female anatomy, not run screaming from it.

Achievements so far: 75 pts. Pretty pathetic, to be sure, but it's a start. I haven't yet gotten to Two Worlds, which will no doubt be a frolic in the land of suck, but I'm seasoned at that game now. With luck, someone has found new ways to cheat and make it easier to get the achievements. I don't relish the idea of playing through it for another go, because the first go...pretty bad. Maybe they patched it and fixed the bugginess. Who knows!?

Stay tuned for part two, in which I save some more stupid aliens, kill some more stupid machines and come closer to unraveling a mystery that will change the course of the game...forever!