Google Image Search of the Day - July 30, 2009

IN WHICH HE FINDS HIMSELF READING TWO BOOKS AT THE SAME TIME

Today's installment is sponsored by Cat's Cradle. After purchasing the Kindle 2 a few months back for the express purpose of sparing my back from carting around Anathem, I installed the Kindle for iPhone app. It's kind of like the retarded cousin of the Kindle, so I almost never used it, generally preferring to shrug off my bag and extract the Kindle which, while portable, is not really a one-handed device. On a related note, I used to read/write tweets when I went to the bathroom [why am I telling you this?], and then I was like, "Dude, you could totally slide the Kindle in your pants and read part of a chapter!" But that was cumbersome and a little weird, even for me. The iPhone fits right in your pocket! And it has a Kindle app! So much easier, he thought to himself. Thus, I began reading Vonnegut while my Kindle is preoccupied with a children's series about demigods.

INDEED!

En route to the office this morning, I'm holding my iced mocha in one hand, iPhone in the other, and I'm reading Cat's Cradle. He used the genius phrase "irrelevant tomfoolery" to describe some changing traffic lights. Tomfoolery, indeed, says I! When was the last time you heard "tomfoolery" used? I guarantee it was not recently enough. So it is with a happy heart that I have chosen "tomfoolery" as the word of the day. And what a word! Google Image Search threw limitless options at me for use in today's post. So many that I thought perhaps I should break this into two. Let us sally forth.

tom·fool·ery

Pronunciation:

\ˌtäm-ˈfül-rē, -ˈfü-lə-\

Function:

noun

Date:

1812

: playful or foolish behavior

WHENCE COMES THE ELIXIR OF LIFE? FROM BOSOMS.

I find it all too appropriate to begin with breasts. After all, we seekers of enlightenment suckle from the Teat of Wisdom, the Teat from which the milky substance of dreams issues. Some men take their breasts far too seriously, but I always say, "If thou can't approach them from a place of tomfoolery, thou shan't approach them atall!" I wonder what jungle fruits that man used to build his lopsided bosoms...likely guava. This would be a great idea for a running photo gag. Travel the world and take pictures of yourself in front of various locales with fake titties stuffed in your shirt. Food for thought!

THE UNIVERSE IS CALLED INTO QUESTION WHEN IT IS REVEALED THAT DUMBLEDORE IS GAY[!?!]

Sometimes, it feels like the Wiccans are right and there's magic in this here world we all inhabit. Take a look at the sky right now (if you live in Boston/Cambridge), for instance. That's some freaky night during the day Benjamin Buttons shit right there and I think I like it. When you think magic, a whole slew of images and characters come to mind from the stories we have heard all our lives. Wicked witches, glittering faeries, voodoo priests, venerable wizards. But does one think of tomfoolery? One might!

This dude has got it going on. The 'More You Know' rainbow is spurting out of his floppy wizard hat, faeries are shooting stars at each other and some green butterfly is chillaxing by his ear. His facial hair is a bit wispy, though...I definitely don't like seeing his lips underneath that moustache. I suspect it's simply poor digital art skillz, but maybe they meant for him to be a sketchball. Also, his green eyes seem to be crying, "Help! These fucking faeries are buzzing around my head like infernal fruit flies! I can't take the stress anymore and may pretty soon use a fireball spell to blow myself apart, hopefully taking some of these goddamn faeries with me. I am dead inside." On the other hand, I could be projecting. But come on, he totally looks lifeless and frazzled. I like to think this is how Dumbledore spent his spare time when he wasn't tutoring Harry Potter or getting killed by Snape. In a word: Gay Tomfoolery. [Ok, two words.]

IN WHICH THE MAGICAL TOMFOOLERY CONTINUES WITH

...WTF?! I'm not quite sure what this is supposed to be. It appears to have a Dali-stache, a pirate eyepatch, hooked goblin nose and a powdered wig like judges and members of Parliament wore. It's not easy being green, so can you blame the big-headed lug for getting drunk with graduating college girls? I'm pretty jealous of that eyepatch though. This one time, I woke up with my right eye totally swollen shut and I thought for a minute I was dying or that I'd gotten a bit of lumber stuck in my eye while I slept, so I called out of work and went to Student Health Services. I waited around in the room while girls came and got pregnancy and genital wart tests, like you do, and finally the doc saw me and prescribed me an $80 bottle of glorified saline with which to wash my eyes. "No thanks, doc," says I, "I just want an eyepatch!" He looked at me like I was high (which I most certainly was not!) and said, "You didn't get anything in your eye, it's just allergies." I took a deep breath, got real close so he could smell the cabbage on my breath [ed. note - not true], and yelped, "EYEPATCH!" This gave him quite a start and he adjusted his glasses with one hand while holding his heart with the other. Usually he just had people cry when he broke the news to them that forevermore they would have herpes outbreaks because of that trick they brought home from the clubz. He wasn't used to demands for eyepatches. Did the clinic even carry them? Couldn't this strange boy just go to a costume store and purchase his own damn eyepatch? Why was he getting his cabbage-y breath all up in my grill like that? This mental litany of question took place in the same length of time it took me to blink my engorged eyelid. On the edge of my seat I perched, waiting, hoping that an eyepatch my way came. Alas! Tomfoolery was afoot and I never got that eyepatch. Still it burns me. I'm a man of good health, no chronic problems and rarely get sick. The ONE TIME I have a swollen eye and I don't even get to pretend to be a pirate for a day. What kind of fucking joke was this? I'll probably carry my rage to the grave, perhaps beyond, if there were such a thing. So I say to this goblin, drink on.

HIS RAGE DRIVES HIM CLOSE TO THE EDGE AND HE STARES INTO THE ABYSS OF SPACE. THE FUTURE STARES BACK.

And you thought those apes at the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey were intense. Look at this dude! Sunken eyes: check. Big hairy ears: check. Long, downturned mouth: check. Business suit: check. Fucking pistol: double check. I wonder what's going through his head in this picture. He is clearly all, "Don't mess with me, fool," which is a stance I can appreciate, as it's one I give often myself. Just yesterday, I was browsing photos of people I don't know on Facebook because they came up on my sidebar (you all do this, so don't give me that look) and some peeps had pictures with monkeys and I was all, "How cool! I'd love to have a pet monkey!" I would train him to be just like Abu in Aladdin, a kleptomaniacal monkey who rides on my shoulder and wears a fez. But I'm starting to think my creativity didn't go far enough. Dream big, Jon! I could be the proud companion of a homicidal gun-toting ape! We could star in a buddy-cop film together. People would laugh and say, "He's not a person! He's an ape! HAHAHA! You two are a disgrace to the force!" But ah, Abu and I would get the last laugh. We'd take down the mob, the Russians, we take down all of them. And I'd pin that medal of honor to Abu's chest and we'd embrace, brothers in blood, the blood of those criminals we slew in the name of justice. For Aiur! Then we'd go blow up a creationist museum or something. Think of all the tomfoolery we could get up to! All I want is to turn that frown upside down, Abu.

AND THE PRIZE FOR WTF-IEST GOES TO...

...this dude. Where to begin? I guess his jaunty pose is supposed to be the source of the tomfoolery, but I find this to be a loose interpretation of the word. Also, this makes me feel uncomfortable. Anyone else? Is that just me? Why does he have knobby knees and elbows? Why are his toes and fingers different shapes and sizes? Is he a genetic abnormality? Is this trying to say that even freaks can be tomfools? Is tomfool a word? It should be if it isn't. Holy crap, it is! I'm definitely going to describe myself/other people as a tomfool from now on. Also, why is this monkey's tail shaped like a stinger? What's with monkeys and tomfoolery!? This hasn't even touched on the dude's hair. If I could grow facial hair in that manner, I would, yessir, I would indeed. And the sidepart! And the lighter colored eyebrows! There's something disturbing about this image, almost more disturbing than that creepy eyeless wonder from yesterday. To be quite frank, this is not a monkey with whom I would want to film a buddy-cop movie. TOMFOOL!

IN WHICH THE ALREADY MEANDERING POST FURTHER DISINTEGRATES INTO ITS COMPONENT PARTS--NAMELY, POO AND BUTTSEX JOKES

You knew it was coming. There's no avoiding that the height of tomfoolery is certainly an elephant trunking [neologism FTW!] another elephant. Maybe the one on the right (henceforth Rosa) did not chew her peanuts properly. Ezekiel over there smelled an opportunity and went for it: free nuts where you would least expect to find them. [ed. note -- we apologize for the bad jokes, sometimes we find that there's very little we can do to control him] I say, this seems like tomfoolery for Ezekiel, but I suspect Rosa's of a different mind. You never know, elephants might be freakier than we give them credit for. Or maybe not. No really, to be honest, Ezekiel is totally felching Rosa*. And Rosa seems to be taking one for the team. Well done, Rosa. That inexplicable image is an album cover for some band called Tom Foolery and the Mistakes (I think). Weird. I'm not really ok with this. I call shenanigans.

*credit to Jason for pointing out what is clearly happening in this picture. I was just thinking he was eating peanuts out of her butt.

MERE ANARCHY IS LOOSED UPON THE WORLD

And so our sad and sordid tale comes to a close, as tales tend to do. It may not always be the end of all things or the Second Coming--sometimes an enigmatic image is enough. A couple of pheasants [?!] walking along. Is it tomfoolery or is it a statement on the futile pecking we attempt on our scrambling climb to the top? Remember, only by dancing through life on the wings of tomfoolery can you keep the crushing emptiness at bay. Return tomorrow for another word, another dollar.