Greetings! It's a bit late in the day to be composing a blog post, so I hope this one is up to par. Today was bit too busy at work for me to find the time not only to come up with a decent word to search for, but also to draft the post. We'll see if I can crank this sucker out before midnight. Almost 10:30p now, so away we go.
One thing I did manage to accomplish towards this today was the selection of the word. It's not a very specific process, as I have just been picking a word at random out of my head and going with it, but today I was stumped. Maybe it's because I was up until 1am last night downloading new music and putting it into iTunes and my iPhone. It was quite a feat dragging myself out of bed today, so my brain has been running on empty. The first word I thought of was "loquacious," but that's a pretty mundane word and I doubted I'd get much good out of it. Of course, after my treasure trove of images today, I've come to realize that just about anything is likely to reward you with hidden gems of brilliance. I think this is what I love most about this new method of forcing myself to write. It's vaguely structured randomness. My brain has never functioned in a way that if I was approached and told, "Tell me a story," I would be able to spin an amusing tale out of my memory. This is probably why when I meet new people, especially groups, I tend to sit in the background and observe for a while, until something that is said inspires me to say something intelligent--or at least funny, I hope. If I could do this on cue, it would be much easier for me to write. Instead, I confine almost all of my writing for the year to NaNoWriMo and Twitter. NaNoWriMo allows me to just spout off the most ridiculous shit I can come up with, paying almost zero attention to plot or organization. Twitter, of course, lets me talk about food almost 24/7, which anyone who knows me would agree is almost all I think about. (PS- I know that's not proper grammar, but who really says it the right way without sounding like an idiot.) Anyway, so I definitely said no to "loquacious."
My aforementioned slow brain function made me actually perform a google search for "Words that begin with _," which is, let's face it, hella lazy. I figured I would lose all of my street cred if I did that, and since I don't really have any street cred to speak of, that would probably be a bad thing. Then it came to me, like a whisper from a glittering angel sent by God to inspire me, like a string of melody from the lute of a Muse--"rapacious" was the word I would use. "Rapacious" would provide me with enough material to write seven blog posts! Maybe not the most SFW word of the day, but it sure beats "propone." (I'm looking at you, Oxford English Dictionary Word of the Day. Who the fuck uses "propone" anymore? Jesus. You're so behind the times.)
And so, word chosen, we move ever forward towards our destiny. (I wonder who would be in my karass...)
Ra-pa-cious
1: excessively grasping or covetous
2: living on prey
3: ravenous (a rapacious appetite)
DESPITE THERE BEING NEITHER BEGINNINGS NOR ENDINGS TO THE TURNING OF THE WHEEL OF TIME, HE BEGINS WHERE ONE OUGHT
Sometimes, you just have to give the right answer. It may not be witty, it may not be thought-provoking, but when tasked with finding rapacious photos...sometimes you must call a spade a spade.
Wow, how fucking original.Some dudes dragging a satyr who's about to do some nude chick. Like this isn't something we've all seen a million times before. I do rather enjoy how Man A on the left is gnawing on the ankle of the satyr. He's all, "Not only do I want to stop you from getting some nookie from this totally willing and not at all frightened woman here, I would also like a bit of goat foot. Nom nom nom." Also, why is a real goat with a satyr? Isn't that weird or something? Like, I am a goat person, why would I want to hang with you, you stupid normal goat. You can't talk, you can't rape, what good ARE you? Ridiculous. I'd also like to take this moment to point out that, while Rick Riordan's Percy Jackson series seems to stay relatively close to actual mythology (minus, you know, poetic license to have the gods kicking around Long Island and Manhattan...), Percy's BFF is definitely a satyr. Riordan cleverly leaves out the fact that satyrs almost always have GIANT RAGING BONERS and are drunk all the time. Also, they rape women. I mean, there's this whole bit where the satyrs romp through the woods chasing wood nymphs, but it's all in good fun in the books. There's no sexy times happening. Maybe that's for the best, since the books are targeted at like...12 year olds and not dudes in their mid-20s. But still! Satyrs are not all fun loving hippies like Riordan would have you believe, they are rapacious! If you see one coming, you best get out your mace and lock up your chastity belt. Just some friendly advice.CONSEQUENTLY, HE SEEKS REFUGE IN FORT WALTON
"Oh noes!" says the baby. Now if there is one thing I hate worse than babies (I'm a nice guy, really!), it's close-up photos of babies. UGH. Why is he making that stupid monkey face? And why are his eyes photoshopped that color? And why so indignant, baby? Is Walmart not good enough for you?? SO SRY! SRY WE'RE NOT MADE OF FUCKING CASH! I'll give him something to be indignant about! I am really not seeing the connection to rapaciousness here, and I'm looking, really I am. Maybe the baby is a great defender of small businesses? Maybe soon he will be used in really creepy ad campaigns where they digitally make the babies mouth move and use adult male voice over. Just imagine Samuel L Jackson shouting "You bought my medicine from Walmart, muthafucka!?" Actually, that might not be so bad. But seriously, this probably came from some parents' blog written from the perspective of their squealing infant, projecting some personality that it probably doesn't have. I mean, just think if my parents had written a blog from "my" perspective as a baby. It would have probably prayed a lot and talked about seeing the face of God in clouds and puppies. Which, when you think about it, is pretty gay...but probably not what they would have been going for. Look at this, it's already 11:30p and I have only used 2 of my photos, this is going to take all night. If only I could get hooked into machine.FROM THE ASHES OF A FAILED POST COMES A NEW RECURRING FEATURE
What do you say we continue with one of the images from yesterday and make a point of always posting at least one image of an ape in a suit. I mean, I'm unclear just how many of these can possibly be floating around the internet, but considering there's probably a fetish for that, I would not be surprised if I never ran out of material. Thus, it is with great pleasure I bring you the rapacious version of the classily dressed ape:
I really wish I could sit down and have dinner with whoever created this and ask them the pertinent question: "How much?" It would go so well with my decor! I mean, I know the only art I have in my room is a couple Buddhas, a painting of a Buddha and a cardboard cutout of Edward Cullen from The Twilight Saga, but certainly I could make room for what looks like a genteel ape from the 1800s. He looks like he could have been a preacher. Maybe he was? I mean, it definitely does not look at all photoshopped. But really, why? I hope this was a character portrait for some Planet of the Apes role play. I can forgive a lot in the name of role playing. I used to smoke cloves Freshman year of college with this girl Phoebe who did Vampire: The Masquerade roleplay with a group of goth kids at BU. That shit has fiberglass in it! Granted, at the time I didn't know there was a difference between inhaling and just sucking smoke into your mouth and spitting it back out. Not that this is really something one needs to know or even should know since smoking is pretty foul and all. Point is, I definitely thought I was wicked cool smoking black fiberglass-filled cigarettes that tasted sweet like CANDY, and I definitely wished I had the balls to attend a vampire roleplaying group, because how awesome does that sound? Super awesome.DURING WHICH TIME HE INSPIRES NIGHTMARES IN HIS GENTLE READERS, NIGHTMARES OF SEXY TIMES GONE HORRIBLY, HORRIBLY WRONG
I want you to imagine something for me. Can you do that? Imagine what you'd see if you were looking at the thing that makes you feel so dirty inside, you're not sure any amount of scrubbing would ever make you clean again. The thing that is so terrible that you wish there was another word, like terribad, that you could use to describe it. The physical manifestation of The Beast, whose eyes are busy tattooing 666 over all that is good within you. Now imagine that thing is probably a porn actor. And go!
OH GOD MY EYES! I thought for a brief moment that I would not subject you people to this, but then I recalled that whichever god is in charge of the internet (probably Hades, if he liked kittens) made ME see it when I searched for rapacious, so it's only fair that I payed it forward. Now what does he have to do with the word of the day? Beyond how he raped my soul and shat (with his EYES) in the holes, I honestly don't know. Why does this exist? A billion cute kittens could not make up for the horror that is this. That milky water, that abyssal gaze, the slicked back (and is that silvered??) hair, the terrible wetness. I am at a loss for words. I'm pretty sure this is the Blair Witch.IN WHICH A MISSED DEADLINE LEADS TO THE POSSIBLE DISCOVERY OF A MISSING LINK
Midnight has gone and gone, my friends, but we carry on. Not because we have nothing better to do on a Friday night. It's not because the upstairs neighbors are throwing a party and I wasn't invited, so I'm writing a blog rather than sit and cry. It's definitely not that I'm crying into my diet coke from the rejection of it all. Srsly. You know what will make us all feel better?
If I were a religious man, if I had even a shred of belief in God left in me, I would swear that this was the greatest proof possible that He existed and was watching us from up Above in His Magic Throne made of clouds and angel wings. In fact, I intend to meditate upon this photo in the coming weeks, months and years of my life, because certainly if there is some deeper truth in this life we all stumble through, it is to be found within the vacant stare of this "rapacious foot biscuit," which I think is possibly the greatest trio of English words ever dreamed up. ("I love you" can go suck a chode.) (It also occurred to me that I did not have this blog set as 'adult,' which is clearly a massive oversight on my part. I apologize if any small children made their way here by accident.) I'm pretty sure I want this on a t-shirt. Alas, that image is small and Zazzle tells me it might be really fuzzy and pixelated. If anyone can figure out how to make a T-shirt with that image on it, I would be forever grateful. The world of indie ironic tees would just explode. <3 onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh14xy3dahyphenhyphengLIjlB5q_0EmE2nJjZ2kSgC4BcnVKH9VCGaYazb5Oy8VJc-Hf_nV0mMK3XsndIN_bAJyl_DKRkpJ0M-Q10jSJQEUoEhzWNuzDi8WrN2i8x-rmDc4sXf8JDsczQQmrc-k6E8/s1600-h/stanleydonwoodgoat_0.jpg">
I guess it's a very goat-like day in Blogger today, but obviously this is a pretty standout picture. Not really because it looks like he is about to murder you, but because it reminded me of when I wanted to be an artist. I was probably 10 at the time, living in Tennessee and in the early grips of my video game obsession. Either me or my brother had borrowed this game called "The 7th Saga," the premise of which was basically to play as one of 7 assorted dudes and collect these 7 magic runes to, uh, save the world or something. It was on NES, so followed the 8-bit RPG plot cliche. Basically, it was totally random because the seven characters included a robot, an alien, a demon and a dwarf (not a midget, we're talking your run of the mill fantasy dwarf here). Anyway, I kind of had a thing with the demon character, because he looked sort of like a cow in a robe. Not a sexual thing, just to be clear. Not only was I a bit too young to have sexual things, but I just had a big fixation on cows and thought they were the shit. So I would fill up scraps of paper with these really terribly drawn cows in robes. At the time, I was really jazzed when I could sort of make a reasonable looking figure that was comprised of fleshier stuff than sticks (pretty much the pinnacle of my artistic skill to date). It was supposed to look like this:
SENSELESS RAGE AND A MOMENT OF ZEN EMBRACE LIKE BROTHERS AND BRING CLOSURE...FOR NOW
When you think for a moment about the word "rapacious" and what it could be describing, there is one noun that comes to mind time and again--pigfucker. At least, that's the bit of text that accompanied one of my photos tonight. And to that author, I tip my hat. Rapacious pigfuckers is indeed a gorgeous turn of phrase.
Uh oh! Vault Boy looks pissed. Some rapacious pigfucker just unleashed a nuclear blast that shook the Wasteland to its core and Vault Boy and his pistol are ready for some action. This is the beauty of the Fallout series, creating hardened criminals of small children. Now explain to me why it is that all the computer classes at my disposal at work are like "Excel, Master Class" and "Word; Or, How To Print." If we had a "Photoshopping Bombs and Guns For Fun and Profit" class, I would be there with bells on. If only photoshop weren't so expensive, I could get it and teach myself to use it while creating all sorts of genius images for use on this blog. Regardless, it's time to calm down and begin the slow descent into sleep. To do that, we'll combine two of my favorite things: food and Zen!
Enjoy, kids.Maybe eventually I will blog about what is actually happening in my life, but we'll see about that. Tomorrow is my first tattoo, and we all know what that means--I can't convert to Judaism. Damn, foiled again!
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